A Letter To My Future Donor Conceived Child: Cristina's letter

Nov, 2021

To my little sweetheart.

I don’t know exactly where you are right now, but I know you are close.

I’ve started seeing you in my dreams. I have memories of you, that I know haven’t happened yet. You’re more real to me than anyone in this world.

And you haven’t been born yet.

One day you’ll read this, but I need to talk to you now- because I need to explain myself.

Firstly, I love you.

I have loved you for so long, and I’ll love you forever. We have a bond you and I, that goes beyond flesh and blood, and all the nonsense of this world. From where we came from, we were already one.

Yesterday I found out that my eggs don’t work. Your daddy and I have tried, we have

really tried. Because we want you so bad.

Five cycles of IVF later, and we are still without you.

I could keep trying. Once you get to know me, you’ll understand. I’m a fighter, I have always been a fighter. It would be nothing to me to try another 50 times... and I would, if I was doing it for you. For you, I would do 100. But it wouldn’t be for you. In my heart, I confess I’d be doing it for me, and so I won’t.

I won’t push against a door that is closed any longer. And this is why: To be a mother, means you love your child more than you love yourself. You make sacrifices, you give up on every part of yourself.

I would give up my life for you already, and we haven’t even met.

I would do ANYTHING for you, and so I’m going to do the hardest thing- I will give up my chance to be your seed, I will give up my genetics, so that I can give you something more important: Life.

It’s beautiful, that in giving up my genes - I know I have given you something bigger. I have given you my soul. I’m not someone who gives up, but for you I will. I will give up the thing I have wanted most in my life, which is to make a baby with your dad. I will give it up so you can be alive.

I received a message from angels recently, that you were “just about to find your way to my womb”. The words sent me chill and I stood there crying, because I already knew it to be true. You are so close.

Now I look at those words, I realize the secret truth was there all along. You had to find your way to me. That means it wasn’t easy, it wasn’t given to us. You’re already so much like me; you’re a fighter and we will do what we have to, to find each other.

I’m still sad about not being able to give you your first cell, but why would I want to give you something broken? You’re too precious to me to risk. We have found you a little seed that will be a perfect home for you to get started, and then every cell after that, every blood vessel and every corner of your little self, we will grow together.

Bringing you to life with my own egg would be easy. But I hope you can see how much I love you, because I wanted you so much that I don’t care if I have to take a harder path.

That’s why I’m your mother.

Because I’m willing to give it all, and lose it all- in order to hold you in my arms. I will reach out to you from one world to the next, I have called your name and will defy the laws of biology itself. Because you are mine.

I feel no different with your brothers, who are already waiting for you when you arrive.

They were made from my genes, but it isn’t chromosomes that unite us. My soul and each of their souls was already intertwined from long before we had bodies and I will still be their mother for a million years after I am in the ground. The stuff in our cells is nothing but details in the great expanse of time, and completely irrelevant to the love in my heart.

You all belong to me. Whatever path each of you took, I claimed you and you chose me.

And with you, my darling, we have our own very special connection; because for you, I’ve found the strength to do things I never imagined I’d have the courage to do.

So this is where we start our journey, my beautiful darling boy.

I could keep trying with my own eggs, but you are too precious for me to not give you the best chance. I have chosen to lay my sword down. I’m done with the battle and I will accept any terms, any sacrifice and any way possible to find you.

Because I am your mamma.

And you are my child.

Daddy and I can’t wait to have you in our arms. Your beautiful brothers can’t wait to meet you. Come soon darling, I promise it’s a good life.

XO